My Old Blog

I’ve put myself on a pseudo-diet, which means I am restricting my eating to sensible portions instead of outright gluttony. Some days I am mostly vegetarian and I am trying to stay away from sugars and breads. I can say, like all other diet changes I’ve tried in the past, that it is ineffectual so far. We’ll see. I don’t want to poo poo it yet….although I suppose 99% of diets fail anyway. I wouldn’t say I am fat; I’m just heavier than ever.

I’ve played tennis 4 days in a row. I’ve come to that age where I have to play for fun because I’m not sure I’ll ever be any good anymore. It’s still better than sitting in front of this computer I suppose. My butt hurts.

I told one of my managers at work (the one in charge of my career) that I have trouble concentrating because I am only mildly interested in what I do, and that I was “pursuing other alternatives” (when I can get motivated to do so). She was very encouraging, but unable to help me. I can’t complain too much. I still like what I do more than most people I’d bet, and it is always a great comfort to be able to walk away at any moment and tell them to EMA if the fancy strikes.

I ran across a great paper by the Boston Federal Reserve on changes in leisure time over the past five decades. Work/Life balance is surely one of my favorite topics, and this research focuses partly on a distinction that I think I fail to give enough thought to: that all non-work time is not created equal.

When I contend that we are working more than ever, that might be true, but if we are working correspondingly less outside our jobs (spending less time in cleaning, house maintenance, cooking, whatever)……then perhaps total work is not going up. The paper deals with quantities of time (which are easier to measure), not quality of time, and is based on a few questionable assumptions….but the research is interesting nonetheless.

I really like Propel Fitness Water. I laughed at the concept, since it is called a “water beverage” on the label. Isn’t water good for fitness anyway? Isn’t water already a beverage? I am pushing this stuff hard though. It tastes similar to but better than Kool-Aid, has lots of vitamins and is only like 10 calories. It tastes good, and comes in a cool plastic squirt bottle.

That’s about it. I’m off to bed. I need to go on vacation this year somewhere. Any suggestions?

I forgot how tired I get when I have alot to do at work. I’ve slept some odd hours lately, from as little as 5 hours to as much as 10 or 11. I don’t feel a ton different either way. But when I run around all day at work….at 6 or 7 when I am finished I feel like I’ve been beaten with a blunt object. My eyes get so heavy.

Anywho…..it has come to my attention lately that one day I may not have a website anymore….or at least won’t keep it. I used to think that one day I might “get important” or someone from work would read it or something and that I would incriminate myself and have to take the shit down.

I don’t think that anymore. I have learned that people don’t really care what I think, at least in a way that incriminates me. I can say pretty much whatever I want. Only a very few people have ever grilled me about what I post, even the things where I don’t really mean it and say stuff inflammatory but amusing just because I think it fits the moment. People read my posts and comment to me about the funny stuff or some interesting factoid I put on here…..no one really ever says, “you’re a depressive, opinionated, self-absorbed bastard”….although I suppose a few people have said that.

So what I think is that one day I will just cease to have anything to say….and perhaps that won’t be such a bad day when/if it comes. Many things I do, or am able to do, are a product of the fact that I am without significant responsibility and have money (not because I make alot, but because I spend little). I CAN pick up and go to India (which I wrote about)…..because I don’t have a family to take care of and/or a house to look after.

I write posts about random facts, my extra-curricular activities, drinking, travel, economics, etc. They are all things that require time and a wandering mind. I complain about lack of time now, but the fact is that I should have more than just about anyone……after all, what do I really HAVE to do (other than go to work)?

So all the factors of my life that lead to this website could easily disappear if I had more responsibility. I guess responsibility isn’t always a bad thing. Maybe I would find something else to write about??? Although if I can barely find time now, and need extra wandering ideas to think of what to write…..then maybe not.

I wrote most when I was unemployed (living at home) and when I first moved to Atlanta (when I knew absolutely no one and lived alone drinking Sam Adams by myself in that little apartment in Post). I also write alot when I travel….again all instances where I have lots and lots of time.

Not that writing takes up a TON of time. But it does often require a rested, creative mind and the mood….and the mood disappears if you’re doing other stuff.

Strange to think about…..I always thought I wrote because I liked it. I do, but I think I might allow it to get crowded out if I had other stuff.

Who knows? I’m rambling. I need to sleep. My eyes are burning.

I know I haven’t made any posts in a really long time. I have been busy with my girlfriend. I know it is obvious and all normal people realize how much time a girlfriend requires…..however, I never realized it. I am happy to spend the time, but now I see how easy it is to neglect other things in your life for a significant other. There are still only 24 hours in a day….

I have been home less than a month….and it seems like I was never there. It is a very distant memory, outside af any timeline. I don’t think I’ve ever disconnected from a place quite so quickly.

I talked to Peter the other day about how disjointed my life feels….since Holland it has become a set of non-linear events…like pulling cards from a deck and trying to make a story out of them.

They are all compartmentalized in my head “6 months here”…”a year there”…”a bit of this”…and “a bit of that”….always different places, always different people. I could shuffle them if I like, changing people, tasks, and places….and it wouldn’t turn out much different really. Does it matter if it is study in Spain and work in India, or work in Spain and study in Turkey? Not really…after a while its the same. I could’ve just watched a TV show about it….or robbed a bank and sailed to the Seychelles.

I’ve always claimed that I am a good friend to have…loyal and trustworthy. I think that is true, but maybe the reason is that so little in my life has been constant that perhaps I am just reaching out for something. Of course, that does not cheapen the value of a good friend…whatever the motivations.

Anyway, I’ve done a lot of thinking lately about myself…moreso than usual, and for me it is a tired, beat subject to begin with since I’ve been doing just that and little else for the better part of a decade. I think its because I am “dating” someone I really like for the first time in…..well….a long time. I usually just think about myself….not myself and someone else. I am finding that I am not so well equipped to handle the pair.

So far I give myself like an “D+” maybe…at least based on what I would like. Based on my past behavior I think I’m doing ok….but as I am quick to tell people: no one should get credit for stuff they are supposed to do in the first place.

I think the only thing I can say for sure is that we are never too old to act like children, and that sometimes being an adult is simply the ability to detach yourself from something so as to put off those childish tendencies.

I guess I am in a plaintive mood tonight. I haven’t been home much since I got back and tonight I am alone in my room drinking Sam Adams by myself….writing and surfing the Internet for stuff that I am convinced will one day deliver me from myself. Oh well…the Internet is a big place. I’ll keep looking.

I shouldn’t admit that I am writing from work. After all, they are paying me to be here. On the flip side, they say they pay me to do WORK and not to sit in the office, so I should be able to use my time however I like as long as I still get everything done. We all know that is wishful thinking.

Being back is much like never being gone. I still eat eggs and drink coffee in the morning. I still struggle with deadlines and to keep my focus during the day so I don’t have to stay till 8pm. I eat at the same places. Thus far I haven’t been playing any sports, so I guess that is different.

I weigh within one pound of what I did when I left for India. I am always amazed how the body can maintain weight even when everything in my life changes. I slept at different times in India. Breakfast became my largest meal of the day. I drank more alcohol. I didn’t exercise nearly as much. I ate different kinds of food…..and yet in 5 months I didn’t gain or lose hardly a pound. That is amazing.

1 pound is about 3,500 calories. That is approximately one day of meals for the average person. For 5 months of ordering room service and eating at 5 star restaurants I didn’t rack up more than a day’s difference in calories from what I normally ate…..and I ate when I felt like it…sometimes just for the hell of it. That is almost unbelievable that the body can self-regulate that well.

Ok….I might finish this later. I have to go meet Pete for dinner. I’m outta here.

Ok…now is later. I did meet Peter out for dinner. We ate at La Fonda on Ponce. I didn’t think it was that great. The chips and salsa were good. That is all I wanted anyway.

I don’t even know why I am wasting my time writing. Even though I cannot say I am significantly less happy in Atlanta than I was in India, and in fact in some ways it is nice to be home…..it certainly doesn’t lend itself as well to amusement. India was like a 5 month comedy routine.

I know that the website has been unavailable for the past week or so. Adam was in Hawaii on his honeymoon and the hurricane knocked out the power at his house so he wasn’t around to turn this computer back on.

I’ll post tomorrow….or Saturday if I go out tomorrow and am not near a computer.

My desk at work is a disaster. I have to remind the nice Mexican lady who cleans the office not to touch any papers that are not all the way in the trash can….even though they might look like they are supposed to be thrown away and have no apparent order.

My room growing up was a disaster. My car right now is a disaster. I have never been able to keep things neat. My brain is not so orderly. It works all at once, and in a bunch of different directions.

And now someone has taken the time to vindicate the messy for their seeming disorder.

The higher the salary, the messier the person: 66% of Americans making $35,000 or less per year are self-described “neat freaks,” whereas only 11% of those earning above $75,000 claim the same.

The more educated tend to be messier with only 16% consider themselves to be neat. For those who did not finish college, this number increases to 29%.

You can bet I will be committing these statistics to memory. And just for the record…..Mom, I told you so.

Now if only my income will follow suit.

I played putt putt with some folks from work today. It was pretty fun. I liken my work to summer camp for adults with money and cars. All young people work at my office and we actually have a company cafeteria (with free food) so everyone checks everyone out at lunch. We don’t have lockers, but work is sort of like classes. I can say that High School would’ve been a lot cooler had we all been making a salary at the time.

On the way home I stopped by this large liquor store in hopes that they had some good stuff that I don’t have at my crappy little shops in Smyrna. This is the first place (other than a bar) I’ve been in Atlanta that sells Belhaven Scottish Ale and I even managed to pick up a bottle of Marques, a red wine by Concha y Toro that I used to drink when I lived in Chile. It was a lot cheaper in S. America.

I guess I’m writing tonight for three reasons. 1) I read this great article about Happiness (one of my favorite and most amusing subjects), 2) I got a random email that seemed to fit with what I was thinking about the article, and 3) Jeff Harding found me on IM and wrote something that fit in as well.

I’ll post it all here and make everyone listen to me ramble. After all, it is MY website.

Here is the email I got today:

Hi,

You don’t know me and I know only what you have written. I’m not even sure why I’m writing you, it just feels the right thing to do. When I read you entries I somewhat feel relived that I’m not the only wacko out there. What is it with us people who think too much and try so hard to find a meaning in all this. I moved from Belgium 5 years ago to the US and now I’m almost 2 years in Venezuela, leaving all my friends and family.

But my problem is that I wasn’t chasing a dream I followed my husband who works for a big US company. And there you have the problem, I have days of doing nothing, trying to figure out what in gods name I want to do with my life and he is off working 70 hours a week. Some people know what they want to do, what they want to become when they grow up. I feel I’m still growing up and I’m 35. There is so much out there, so many choices, how do you make the right one.

Maybe you’re right when you say that you always have to think how a decision will influence you life and the person you are. It’s weird, I should feel lucky, I life in a nice country have a lot of money and time to do whatever I want and yet it’s not enough. What enough is or should be I don’t know. All I know is that I want to pack my bags and leave for who knows where. I keep on fighting with my balance in life.

When I read you chicken and egg story I laughed and cried at the same time. This is exactly what I mean but why do so many people have no clue what you’re talking about. On the other hand I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that you should try to learn as much as you can, so maybe it’ll get better over time. I don’t think I ever find my answers or reasons for living but I hope with some insights from other persons, like you, it will become a little clearer.

Thanks for writing the way you do,

Micky

Hmm….I don’t often give advice, as I’ve said before here. I am going to make a few comments though because it borders on what I was thinking about anyway…..take it for advice if you like.

One line at a time:

“…I somewhat feel relived that I’m not the only wacko out there. What is it with us people who think too much…”

A) I am not a wacko. I have never molested any children, nor do I feel the need to self-mutilate. B) I used to think too much, but now I drink so that I don’t have to think too much. You might want to consider my solution as well. Belhaven Scottish Ale is a wonderful beer, although I’m pretty certain they don’t have it in Venezuela. I’ve heard through the travel grapevine that Polar Beer is very good in Venezuela; I’ve never had one.

“..leaving all my friends and family.”

That is never a great decision if you are prone to overthinking. Friends and family are important for sanity. I seem to be a callous bastard and so am able to bear long periods away from mine….but I miss them all the same.

“.. I have days of doing nothing, trying to figure out what in gods name I want to do with my life and he is off working 70 hours a week…”

2 comments here.

1) Watch “Lost in Translation”. It shows so well how odd life can become when you are far from your roots and you don’t really have anything to do.

2) I have found this to be very true from years of experience: If you are doing nothing, then you will certainly question what you are supposed to be doing with your life. That is a given. Doing stuff doesn’t necessarily give your life meaning, but it very much does postpone the question.

“..There is so much out there, so many choices, how do you make the right one..”

Hmm…I’ve said this many times, have argued over it, and occasionally get flamed on it for my moral relativism: There is no right decision for your life, only a firm, wholehearted decision.

“..and yet it’s not enough. What enough is or should be I don’t know. All I know is that I want to pack my bags and leave for who knows where. I keep on fighting with my balance in life..

What!?!?!?! I can’t even link to the number of times on this website that I’ve commented on that very topic. I could’ve written that very same thing myself and not known the difference.

I can only say that with me I’ve come to take it for a personality trait. That is who I am: It will never be enough, and I will always fight that wanderlust. Those two are tied together somehow but that is another conversation.

“..so maybe it’ll get better over time. I don’t think I ever find my answers or reasons for living but I hope with some insights from other persons, like you, it will become a little clearer..”

For me it gets better because I get more tools to deal with it; I do not believe it gets better in any absolute sense though, at least for me.

As for the “reason for living” question: I don’t even think about it that much anymore. It has been largely a waste of effort in my life. I never figure anything out. I just become confused on a higher level.

As for the “insights” from someone like me…..I agree with that one pretty much, although not because it is me. It always helps to know that you are not the only person on the planet.

Thanks for writing the way you do, Micky

Hey, thank you. I found your letter so nice that I put it on the website and thought about it for a good long while. And I always respect people that recognize good writing (wink) =)

On a similar front…

I also just got an IM from Jeff tonight. It appears he is going to Prague to teach English for a year. I met him a few summers ago at Rockmont when I was a counselor and water ski instructor.

He is a truly nice and kind person; you don’t meet many of those, and I meet even fewer that would want to be friends with someone like me. I definitely have a dark side, and I never really got that sense from him. That is admirable.

kelliottdykes: Prague for a year sounds great. It rolls off the tongue

W DoubleO Ten: yeah man… I know this will sound weird, but I doubt I’d be doing it had I not met you

W DoubleO Ten: you inspired me to do it

W DoubleO Ten: I only have disagreed with one thing really. I told you I had the desire to travel, but not the personality to do something like that.

kelliottdykes: Someone once asked me what I learned while I was travelling.

kelliottdykes: I didn’t have a good answer for a while.

W DoubleO Ten: you said it would just be easier to change my desire than to change my personality and go. But I think I’m going because it will force me to change. Does make sense?

W DoubleO Ten: I’m reading

W DoubleO Ten: keep typing

kelliottdykes: But over the years it has come down to two things.
W DoubleO Ten: which are?

kelliottdykes: one of which applies directly to you

kelliottdykes: and it doesn’t just apply to travelling, it applies all the time…you just realize it when you travel

kelliottdykes: “You change someone’s life forever every single day.”

kelliottdykes: What you said makes absolute sense. I commented on that on my website the other day. The decisions you make cause a string of events that change you forever; they make you become a different person. I think its good to consider that fact when making big decisions. You seem to have come up with a good one.

W DoubleO Ten: see.. that’s what I’m talking about

W DoubleO Ten: I know… I’ve been telling people about it, too

W DoubleO Ten: man.. I should roll to ATL and visit

W DoubleO Ten: I’ve got a friend I need to see down there, too

W DoubleO Ten: I love your website, man

kelliottdykes: please do come visit

W DoubleO Ten: I swear… you should get something published

kelliottdykes: I don’t think I have the desire to stick to the poor, starving writer gig long enough to catch my break.

I think Jeff has just made the most extraordinary decision of his life. It will make him another person. There aren’t many decisions that you can say that for in such a big way. It is so freakish what can happen if you put yourself in the right circumstances.

I never realized what an effect we have on each other until I started meeting people abroad, spending a small amount of time with them, and then moving on to the next place, never to see that person again….or so I thought.

What effect can a few days walking around Salzburg together possibly have on someone I invested so little energy in? A lot.

I eventually started hearing from some of my brief travel partnerships again. They’d find me by email or I would see them again when I passed through their hometown.

It was bizarre the things they’d say. They’d latch onto some comment I made that I never even gave much of a thought to and tell me how much it affected them or caused them to make such and such decision. I’ve even heard the phrase “…and it changed my life” a few times.

Here are two great examples tonight.

All this relates back to me too. I’ve been thinking about travel, happiness, and the decisions I make.

A) I’ll be traveling to India with work in the Fall for about 5 months. I’ll be talking more about that later.

B) Happiness……hmm. It is one of my pet concepts, and I will say that I’d never really considered in this way before……the difference between getting what you want and being happy.

I always figured the two were very similar, but not necessarily. From my Microbiology days back at Clemson I had long connected that natural selection doesn’t care whether or not we are happy; thus we are not necessarily genetically engineered for felicity.

Nature only cares that we survive and reproduce…..misreable and alive is better than happy and dead.

Also, “happiness” has many shades and meanings. Getting what we want does not mean we will be happy with it. In this sense I think we need to be saved from ourselves if we really desire happiness (which is another conversation altogether).

People want a house, a nice car and the 4 dollar bag of potato chips instead of the 99 cent bag of Lays. Every piece of research I’ve looked at though says getting those things doesn’t make us any happier.

Even lottery winners show no long term increase in happiness (just a short term spike). Thus what we are really looking at is a genetic, inborn, baseline level of happiness…..past that we have only a small amount of control.

What I’m speaking of might be called the kind of happiness that one equates with contentment or satisfaction.

There is also the kind that we equate with general feelings of happiness. We get these by doing things we like to do. I like to play tennis. When I play, I am happier.

Now we see the issue: If I am chasing the car, which is something I want, then I cannot chase tennis at the same time, which is something I like. They tend to crowd each other out. Which one makes me happy?

Well…the tennis most definitely. However, the things I do to chase the car are likely the most productive and disciplined…which would also be traits that might’ve cause my ancestors to survive where others were killed….perhaps because they were out playing an ancient version of tennis.

So…..our bodies are telling us two different things (and actually many different things). Which do we listen to? Which is right?

I go back to the earlier statement: Nature never promised us happiness, nor does evolution dictate that it is always desirable: A misreable, living depressive beats out a happy dead man anyday.

Now I go back to an even earlier statement: I used to think too much, but now I drink so that I don’t have to think too much.

I would finish with an overall statement about how life is good in spite of and because of everything, but I won’t….I will just say:

We are not born to be happy. Your baseline level of happiness is largely genetic, quit worrying about it. Your decisions set in course a sting of events that you don’t control but will shape your personality, and finally….I suck at Putt Putt, believe wholeheartedly in vacations from myself, and will be staying at this 5 start hotel in Delhi for the next 5 months:

Oh yeah, I would like to say hello to my two new friends. I think you two are great and although my roommate thinks you’re a bunch of whack-jobs….I think you have incredibly good taste 😉

I found some of this pretty funny to write. It is also pretty neat how much of something that happened a few months ago you can remember if you really try to relive instead of just recall facts.

Slowly, and as promised, I will finish writing about/transferring from my journal the story of my trip to Peru.

Today I finished Day 2 of the Inca Trail and it struck me as I read back through everything I’d written how little of the trip I actually wrote about (if that makes any sense).

Writing itself can become a chore even though I enjoy it. The best writing is done as something happens, or very shortly after. While I was there, very shortly after one event I didn’t have the occasion to write about it because the next one was already starting.

Anyway, I will finish eventually and add some pictures too.