My Old Blog

I have been home less than a month….and it seems like I was never there. It is a very distant memory, outside af any timeline. I don’t think I’ve ever disconnected from a place quite so quickly.

I talked to Peter the other day about how disjointed my life feels….since Holland it has become a set of non-linear events…like pulling cards from a deck and trying to make a story out of them.

They are all compartmentalized in my head “6 months here”…”a year there”…”a bit of this”…and “a bit of that”….always different places, always different people. I could shuffle them if I like, changing people, tasks, and places….and it wouldn’t turn out much different really. Does it matter if it is study in Spain and work in India, or work in Spain and study in Turkey? Not really…after a while its the same. I could’ve just watched a TV show about it….or robbed a bank and sailed to the Seychelles.

I’ve always claimed that I am a good friend to have…loyal and trustworthy. I think that is true, but maybe the reason is that so little in my life has been constant that perhaps I am just reaching out for something. Of course, that does not cheapen the value of a good friend…whatever the motivations.

Anyway, I’ve done a lot of thinking lately about myself…moreso than usual, and for me it is a tired, beat subject to begin with since I’ve been doing just that and little else for the better part of a decade. I think its because I am “dating” someone I really like for the first time in…..well….a long time. I usually just think about myself….not myself and someone else. I am finding that I am not so well equipped to handle the pair.

So far I give myself like an “D+” maybe…at least based on what I would like. Based on my past behavior I think I’m doing ok….but as I am quick to tell people: no one should get credit for stuff they are supposed to do in the first place.

I think the only thing I can say for sure is that we are never too old to act like children, and that sometimes being an adult is simply the ability to detach yourself from something so as to put off those childish tendencies.

I guess I am in a plaintive mood tonight. I haven’t been home much since I got back and tonight I am alone in my room drinking Sam Adams by myself….writing and surfing the Internet for stuff that I am convinced will one day deliver me from myself. Oh well…the Internet is a big place. I’ll keep looking.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 5th, 2006 at 5:10 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.