I am almost 32 years old and this is the first time I have ever lived a year that is largely a repeat of another one. Bizarre.
It is the front end of the busiest time of year at work for me. It will last at least 4 months. I wrote about it when I first moved to Atlanta three years ago and wasn’t all that pleased (although at the time I had declared a one year moratorium on questionging myself, so I was unable to fully experience the mood). Last year though I escaped it because I was in India…..now its back, and I’m working weekends, and something feels very familiar about it all.
I start feeling guilty about stuff…like not calling people back, being grumpy alot, eating too much at dinner because I work late and by the time I get off at 7 or so I’m starving from lunch at noon. I don’t sleep as well because I’m always thinking about what I need to do or trying to figure out what I wasn’t able to that day.
I’m not complaining about work really. The rest of the year ain’t that bad, so working hard a few months is……well, pretty much life. What decent job isn’t a little hard? Its pretty interesting….like solving brain teasers everyday and getting paid. The problem is that with brain teasers you know they have a solution…at work sometimes we just can’t do it no matter how clever we are. Its hard to draw the line between “not clever enough” and “not possible”.
So this year is a repeat. I still can’t believe that. I’ve lived 31 unique years. I guess it depends on how you define repeat…but still it is the first one that I identify as the same as a previous one. I admit I’m getting antsy.
Its strange though, sitting here identifying this year as so noteworthy for its sameness, when I think repeat years are pretty much the norm by the time you are 30.
Not that I think repeat years are bad, although they can be. That book I just read Stumbling on Happiness said that often people mistakenly think that variety is the spice of life, when studies show they are happier most of the time sticking with what they already know they like.
So do I like it? Well….that is one of my talents. I can make myself believe just about anything if I need to. It is a scary talent at times and it makes it hard for me to know if I like it, or if I have made myself accept it because these are the circumstances of my life, and until I really decide I want to change them…..it does no good to dislike them.
Perhaps I will look back and hate this repeat year. Perhaps I will look back and smile. I guess it depends on what I need to believe to get myself to do whatever I fancy to do next.