My Old Blog

Factual update on my life:

Marty’s birthday party: He’s the same as ever. He has a little girl, a wife, and a brother killed in the line of duty as a cop…..and that son of a bitch ain’t a bit different. On that note, he told me to tell Josh Salley that he is a piece of shit for not calling, or coming to his party, or inviting him to his wedding.

I told Marty that none of Josh’s friends from High School were at the wedding. Then I pointed out that Josh didn’t really have any friends from High School, except the two of us. Marty’s comment: “Well, half his friends were there then…I guess that’s not so bad.” Marty has still got a sense of humor. I’ll say that for him.

Work: I am pretty darn good at what I do. Every complaint they’ve ever had about me I’ve gotten past. I’m 6 months ahead of the learning curve. I keep telling myself the same thing though: I’ll only every be really good at this.

I don’t have a history of being really good. I don’t know how to do it. I’ll save everyone the self-aggrandizement and tell a silly story from college that explains my position:

In 1994 I lived in Wannamaker Hall surrounded by video game addicts. There was a game we all played called NHL Hockey 94. I found it particularly fun and interesting so I learned to play it.

A few years later, lounging on the coast of the Red Sea on the Sinai Peninsula in Egypt, someone asked me: Have you ever been the best at anything??

I was in a festive mood so I told them the story about NHL Hockey 94 because it is funny.

“I was the best,” I said, “no one could beat me. I let other people pick my team and my players…the worst in the league…it didn’t matter. I knew what they were going to do before they did it. I did an entire presentation in Public Speaking on how to score goals in NHL 94. I recorded myself playing on a VCR and critiqued my performance for the speech. I used to watch the SEGA play entire games against itself so I would be able to predict where the computer players would be when I played.”

They said: “So you never lost?”
I said: “No, I lost. It was a real game. There were elements of both skill and chance.”
They said: “So you weren’t the best.”
I said: “Being the best doesn’t mean never losing. I was not only the best of the people that I played at my university….I am saying I was the best…..of anyone….period.”
They said: “So you were the best in the world?”
I said: “Yes. At that time, there was no one on the planet that could consistently beat me. I know that and believe it.”
They said: “What a pompous ass!!”
I said: “You asked the question, not me. For a period of time, I was the best at something….bar none.” And then I went snorkeling in December with fish like National Geographic.

So the point, and there is one, is that I could count a half a dozen times or more in my life when I’ve been the best. If I’m not that good at something….well then I should quit and do something else. If you’re not able to give your best and be the person you know you can be….then everyone gets a disservice….both you and the people you love.

That is why I like my job….but will never love it.

I’ll continue this post over the weekend with “Why isn’t the good stuff so good?”, “Why the Jon Stewart Show is so pleasing to me”, “Soma”, and other interesting topics.

Till next time…

I’m going to the 30th birthday party of one of my very best friends from high school and probably my first best friend. We grew up together and I haven’t seen him in years.

Its funny how you lose track of people and don’t mean to. Its also funny which people you end up staying in touch with and which ones you don’t.

Marty is married and has a kid now. I bet he is as goofy as ever, but sometimes being grown up has a strange effect on people. They change.

There is nothing wrong with changing, as long as he doesn’t forget when we broke into the Anthony’s house while they were on vacation. We were watching their TV and eating their food when we heard the door open.

Their house was for sale and the realtor had come to show it while no one was there. We bolted out one door while they were coming in the other…ran straight into the woods and shit on ourselves with fear.

They saw us and the Anthonys asked us, after they got back, if we’d seen anything weird going on while they were gone. Kids are bad liars. I wonder if they knew??

I can’t believe it. I called the Pickens County Voter Regristration Office today and filed for an absentee ballot. I haven’t voted since 1992, when I voted for Ross Perot.

I think politics is a waste of time, unless your talking about my office politics, which better get me a fat raise at the end of the year.

If I lose at both my forays into politics this year…..I might just have to vote with my feet. I never got any responses to my request for emigration lawyers. However, I did contact a group of lawyers from Holland on my own initiative. No shit, they told me my best bet for getting a work permit was to come to The Netherlands and marry a Dutch girl.

Lawyers that tell the truth! Apparently law isn’t practiced the same in Europe as it is in the good ol’ US of A.

Since nothing is really going on in my life other than eating, sleeping, working and daydreaming, I’ll share some crap that I read on the Internet today:

A group of British researches claim to have proven Murphy’s Law mathematically by this equation: ((U+C+I) x (10-S))/20 x A x 1/(1-sin(F/10)). They say the equation gives some insight about factors you can manipulate to keep everything that can go wrong from doing so at the worst possible time. Their first suggestion: If you are better at stuff, things won’t go wrong as often.

This one is great:

Steven Stack of Wayne State in Detroit and James Gundlach of Auburn University in Alabama just completed a study showing that the suicide rates for whites in US metropolitan areas is higher in cities where more country music is played on the radio.

In their analysis (Social Forces, vol 71, p 311) they suggest that country music – renowned for its mournful themes – nurtures “a suicidal mood through its concerns with problems common in the suicidal population, such as marital discord, alcohol abuse, and alienation from work”.

In his acceptance speech for the IgNoble Prize for Medicine, Gundlach revealed that if you play country records backwards, your dog and estranged spouse come home and you get your job back.

Someone has filed a patent for the combover hairstyle with the US patent office. That really is unbelievable, not just that someone feels the combover is worth patenting, but that a method of combing hair could be patentable. Why not just patent hair?

And finally, according to the Washington Post, urban sprawl causes health problems. They even referenced Altanta by name: “Very spread out places, such as Atlanta, had about 100 more health problems per 1,000 people than areas that were less so, such as the Greensboro-Winston Salem area of North Carolina.”

I’m not so sure about all that. I bet 90 of those 100 additional health problems are caused by traffic accidents. That doesn’t mean sprawl causes health problems; it means car wrecks cause health problems. I hope no awards were won for that discovery.

Right now is the busiest time of year at work, so I am swamped, although promised that it will let up soon…we’ll see.

I’ve played tennis 5 days in a row. My wrist hurts, I’ve got tendonitis in my arm and my back hurts. I think I need a break before our team match this weekend (I won last weekend).

I have been out of town for the last month. I went to a Clemson game, had a wedding two weekends in a row, and I went to the moutains of north Georgia last weekend. I keep thinking I’m gonna sit on my butt and do nothing, which I would very much enjoy, but it just doesn’t happen.

I bet it won’t happen this weekend either…actually I have a tennis match on Saturday and have to work on Sunday. Some people aren’t all that excited about working this weekend. I’ve worked every weekend for the past 3 months….this one just happens to be scheduled. It makes no difference to me.

Tonight I gave myself a haircut, paid bills and cleaned-up some around the apartment. I’d say I’ve had a grand total of 30 minutes or so of free time today. But it really isn’t a very relaxing 30 minutes when you have in the back of your head the whole time all the things you probably should be doing.

I haven’t been truly relaxed in a very long time…maybe years, unless you count being drunk. I think sometimes we think we are relaxed, but what we mean is that we are less tense than usual. Being slightly less anxious or stressed than your general highly agitated state is not the same thing as a genuine lack of anxiety and worry….a truly clear head. Most people haven’t had that in so long they’ve forgotten what it is.

I know a girl that is an endocrinologist. Her area of expertise is the stress response. She told me that although you think you are relaxed and may identify yourself as so, your body is not fooled.

The analogy she used was people who regularly commute in high traffic areas. They say they get used to the traffic and it is less stressful than it once was to sit in gridlock. But their stress hormone levels remain very similar to what they were when they first began the commute years earlier.

Anyway, I thought of it because today, while I didn’t have a lot of free time persay, I did complete my afterwork activities at a more leisurely pace than usual. I even managed to sit down and eat dinner for about 30 minutes at a restaurant (I usually eat fast food).

If I didn’t know better, I would say I had a relaxing evening.

I met Denise when I was living in Salamanca. She was a great drinker and we’ve kept in touch a fair bit over the years. I always liked her.

I remember one night at the Chupateria after 5 or 6 shots of absinthe she asked me the oddest question, which is one reason I’ll always remember her: “Elliott, I’m really boring. How can I be cool?”

Anyway, she forwarded me this email and I decided to answer the questions:

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Hey guys, Okay, here’s what you’re supposed to do…..and try not to be LAME and spoil the fun! COPY (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you.

Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know (INCLUDING) the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Kent Elliott Dykes

2. WHAT COLOUR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? I’m in my underwear.

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Bach

4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Cheese Grits

5. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Sky Blue

6. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? Dark but pleasant.

7. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? I can’t remembrer. It seems I’m always talking to answering machines.

8. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? It depends on how big her breasts are. If they’re big….that is hard to ignore. Otherwise her eyes.

9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? Yes, I need to go visit her….wherever she is living these days.

10. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Tired.

11. FAVOURITE SOFT DRINK? Nothing in particular. I like Coke, Root Beer, and Orangina. Milkshakes are my favorite.

12. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Beers

13. FAVOURITE SPORTS? Basketball and Tennis

14. HAIR COLOUR? What I have left is brown

15. EYE COLOUR? Brown

16. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Not yet

18. FAVOURITE MONTH? I guess I’d have to say December.

19. FAVOURITE FOOD? Cheesecake.

20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Shawshank Redemption.

21. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Dec 31st. Always a good party.

22. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Nope, but I am too tired and/or lazy.

23. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer

24. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends on my mood.

25. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships ideally, but don’t discount a good one night stand.

26. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla

27. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK? Yes, of course.

28. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Beats me.

29. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Someone who doesn’t read this.

30. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? The European Dream by Jeremy Rifkin and The Double by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

31. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? What I do everynight (except for the good ones): Sleep.

32. FAVOURITE SMELLS? The wind on the streets in Europe, a baking cake, the lake after a summer rain.

33. WHO/WHAT INSPIRES YOU? My friends, travel, and the future.

34. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN? Popcorn gets caught in my teeth…..but the butter doesn’t.

35. FAVOURITE CAR? Porsche

36. FAVOURITE FLOWER? Maybe not a single flower, but I remember when I was in Mallorca there were whole fields of flowers so that the entire countryside was a color….mostly red, yellow and purple.

37. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 3

38. CAN YOU JUGGLE? IF YES HOW MANY? 3

39. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Saturday and/or Sunday. I could do without the rest.

40. RED OR WHITE WINE? Red

41. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Went to see my parents.

42. DO YOU OWN A DONOR CARD? I don’t really know what that is…so I guess No.

43. WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT OF WHEN YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING? I though of ways to keep from getting out of bed.

Everyone knows I’m not big on politics. I figure I’ve been voting indirectly ever since I was 20 years old…..with my feet.

That’s what economists say. You ultimately vote with your feet. If people don’t like something they eventually just get up and leave. Voting is for the actively complacent to mildly dissatisfied. The real dissenters go somewhere else.

Anyway, did anyone see that Cat Stevens (now known as Yusaf Islam) is on a government watch list and his plane from Bangkok to Washington was diverted to prevent him from entering the country?

It seems Cat Stevens is a threat to national security! The man sang a song called “I love my dog” for heaven’s sake. So what if he’s grown his hair a little long and wears a robe nowadays? Might as well put all of San Francisco on a government list too if that’s the case.

So what does that have to do with voting? I’m getting really close to thinking that all this has gone too far. I’m certainly not saying Vote Kerry cause I can’t say he’d be any better and I don’t like to give concrete advice…it’s too self-indulgent, but shit….Cat Stevens?? Have you ever listened to his music? He retired and moved to London and raised 5 kids. I don’t see anything all that subversive in that.

He did go Muslim and changed the name….but so what? Prince changed his name to a fucking symbol!!! Nobody put him on a list (probably because they couldn’t figure out how).

I know in the past he has said some public and negative things about the US. Ok. He is a turbinwearing Muslim and doesn’t love the US.

Let’s examine those negatives (because otherwise he is a law abiding father and husband living in London for decades with no criminal record and a history of speaking and singing about peace).

He is Muslim: Freedom of religion. Ever heard of it?
He said negative things about the US: Freedom of speech. Ring a bell?? Maybe not.

Sorry…I got off on a tanget. Don’t let me talk about politics. I prefer to vote with my feet. Anyone know a good emigration lawyer? Leave phone numbers if you do.

I complain a lot about the pace of my life and the hours I work….actually the pace of my life caused by the hours I work. The two are certainly related.

But the things that fill my life outside of work are largely good things. The pace is a little hectic and I feel overscheduled…but the extracurricular stuff is fun and relaxing for the most part. I definitely can’t say my life would be better without them…..otherwise, of course, I would consider getting rid of them. They are all voluntary. And I would volunteer for more stuff if I could fit it in.

So that brings us back to the first issue….which is the cause of the second: work hours and the pace of those hours that leaves me tired at the end of the day.

Do I hate my job? No. I don’t hate it. I actually like a lot of things about it.

It is very challenging, which makes it easy for me to stay awake, something I’ve always had trouble with. Some of that energy is caused by stress, but I don’t hate stress. I just hate chronic stress.

I never look at my watch during the day and wonder when 5 o’clock is gonna roll around. I remember in high school those big grey round clocks hanging at the front of class over the teachers head, always reminding you how freaking slowly the day went by. 50 minutes seemed like a year. That never happens at work (although I might not mind a few days like that so I could get some rest).

My coworkers are pretty good folks. My managers are workaholic stressballs….but they’re not that bad either. And everyone is pretty smart too. Its always nice to be around people you can trust to do their stuff right.

The company has a line of business that does what I want to do. All I have to do is not self-destruct and I’ll one day get moved. I have a habit of quitting stuff I don’t like. It has always been hard for me to work at something I don’t really care about because I know it’ll get me what I want later, but maybe it isn’t impossible.

On that note I do still apply for other jobs (all in the field I want to move into) and dream of leaving the rat race. Lately I’ve been trying to get in touch with immigration lawyers, although I think that usually means foreigners trying to come to the US, not a US citizen leaving to work somewhere else. I tried to find emigration lawyers, but there doesn’t appear to be such a thing.

I might be willing to drop a thousand bucks if some lawyer could get me a work permit for the EU. They work, on average, 9 weeks less a year than we do. 9 weeks is a lot. Although if I moved there, with all my extra time, I would probably find a place where they worked even less….and then I’d want to move there. I think I’ve figured out my real goal: I want to be a bum. They don’t work at all. Hmmmmm…that doesn’t sound right for some reason.

Anyway…although I joke and complain, I have a pretty good job and don’t hate it. It is just too much of a good thing sometimes.

I have been having server problems for the past week or so….thus the lack of entries.

Everything seems to be fixed now so I’ll post again soon.

My clothes, both clean and dirty, are all over my floor. I’ve gone to a “stylish” half-shaven look because it is more convenient. My bathroom isn’t quite dirty, but it ain’t clean either.

After I open a beer bottle I leave the cap on the floor because I can’t be bothered to put it in the trash. The floor is running out of space. I no longer iron my shirts….not that I did a good job even when I tried.

I used to eat a nice calm dinner every night….a bowl of soup and a salad and a book. I’d sit for a good 45 minutes and relax after work. Now I eat fast food….literally because it is faster.

I keep telling myself I’m gonna get my air conditioner fixed. The compressor isn’t broken; it’d be cheap to fix. I just can’t seem to get over there to drop the car off.

I have many great theories that I’ve been cultivating for years about what this state of affairs will eventually do to a person. And I’ve started writing a few entries on all that….I just can’t seem to get them finished.

I even happened to spend a day with an endocrinologist last week and talked to her about that the constant high octane lifestyles we now live.

It will literally kill you. Luckily, all our friends are doing it too, so we don’t much notice how irritable it makes us, nor will we notice how much it shortens our lives….since all our friends will be dying early too.

Oddly enough, it is completely sustainable…made moreso the busier you become. The more stuff you have to do, the less time you have to reflect on whether it is what you really want to do.

I’ve gotta find more hours in the day. Anyone know where to look?