My Old Blog

I can say I’m playing a lot of tennis. I can’t say that I’m playing all that well….but it does give me something to do and actually takes up a fair amount of time.

Christmas is coming up!!! I can’t say I’m all that hyped. I like Christmas…the decorations and festive atmosphere, but it isn’t the same as when I was younger. Everyone thinks that though…I don’t know why I just bothered to say it??

I applied for the MBA Enterprise Corp this year again. I tried when I first got out of B-School and they turned me down. I wanted to see if they would accept me now. They did. I got a “preliminary” match in Bosnia and Azerbaijan. I can’t even point to those countries on a map…although I suppose I could get close.

I told them during the interview that I would not accept any placements in Sub-Saharan Africa. They asked why and I told them about all the ragged travelers in Egypt and Morocco that had come up from the Dark Continent with horrible stories. That isn’t very professional….but it was true.

The MBA Enterprise Corp is like the Peace Corp for MBA students. I think I’ve said that before…but in case you forgot like I did, I just said it again. They partner with governments, NGOs, or large consulting firms on various projects from micro-finance, to international marketing efforts, to process improvements…etc, etc.

I am not going to do it, although part of me still wants to. I kept asking about what people did AFTER their 1 year placement (its 3 months of language training and a one year placement…so 15 months). They said the majority end up working for their host organization or get a job abroad through whatever network they create while working. I don’t know if I want to do that again. Its such a bizarre lifestyle.

On the flip side, I don’t know how much longer I can keep up what I am currently doing. I’ve been at it for a little over 2 and a half years now….its really not that long I suppose. I had a 1 year question moratorium and six months in India. I have issues.

I need a plan. I have one to be honest, but plans are only as good as your willingness to execute on them. Motivation is the problem.

I interviewed today with some people for a different position inside my company. I have done that enough times now to shrug it off without a hope. You just keep trying because you don’t know what else to do.

Drinking has lost its fun too. I notice that the more unhappy I am the LESS I drink. I guess that is a good thing as alcoholism is a low quality lifestyle.

I watched Superman Returns last night. I had already seen it though…when it was called Superman. I thought they would try to do something original with the character or throw a twist in. They didn’t. They special effects were cooler though.

Alright….that’s enough. I don’t even like listening to myself…which is a first.

Actually, they are George’s pictures, but as you can imagine they look the same as mine, which I am too lazy to post. He did a better job than I would’ve anyway.

Here is the link.

George took his camera everywhere, while I could never bother to get mine out. He had a very small, nice camera in a waterproof case. It rained the whole time we were there and, while I certainly do have some pictures…..I don’t have nearly as many as he did. I don’t have any from rafting.

I watched a movie called Brokedown Palace tonight. Its a travel movie. What’s that other movie…with Vince Vaughn, Joaquin Phoenix, and Anne Heche???…Return to Paradise. That’s it. And there is Before Sunrise with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. I suppose The Beach with Leonardo Dicaprio also falls into that category, and Lost in Translation. They are specifically about travel….and not the Spring Break kind.

It is strange that every time I hit a low point I think of travel. I am pretty sure that its not because I long for it…but I long for what it symbolizes: everything that we do not currently have but believe we need. So it is no surprise then that revisiting where you are in life would cause those memories to spring up again.

I remember when I was in college, and near after I finished, Peter would say about himself and/or his friends “He is at a crossroads right now”. After a while I realized that we are all at an eternal crossroads, as there is never a more important moment in our lives than right this second…..we just don’t always slow down to realize it (which isn’t a bad thing).

My sister said she hasn’t been happy lately. She lost her job…I think she is having trouble with the opposite sex (aren’t we all in some way), and she said she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life…all serious concerns. She is definitely at a crossroad.

My mom hasn’t been that happy lately either. Her kids live hours away. Her husband isn’t supportive. She takes care of her senile parents. It is a humbling experience to have to bathe your mother. I am not sure I could do it….and cannot believe she does as well as she does. She is able to internalize a lot…..and is definitely at a crossroad.

Many of my friends are newly married and new parents and wondering if there is nothing more than that for the next twenty years. I am not sure there is other than to say that I am sure they miss the unquestioning friendships they had in the past. There are far more expectations and much more questioning that come with those responsibilities. They are at a crossroad.

I am at a crossroad as well. There is only one kind of “crossroad” for all its guises…..the one that asks, “who am I and what am I doing here?”. That, I suppose, is the definition.

Take my sister. She is literally asking the question, being laid off from her job without an establshed career, and young and without a family of her own…..”what am I here for?”.

My mom as well, in a different way. “My kids are gone, I am now caring for the very people who used to care for me, and my husband is little more than a ghost in my own house. I am not a mother, or a wife, or a daughter. What am I here for?”

My friends…much the same. They are redefining their lives in terms of fatherhood, responsibility, and being a husband. I do not think we are well prepared for that transition. Beforehand we are sons, and students, and friends. Unless we had a strong father figure it is unlikely we have the tools to make that transition smoothly. Some are better than others I suppose.

As I am so good at dissecting everyone else in a paragraph or less, what about myself? I often ask myself what I gained when I left the country for the better part of a decade? Well…..that’s a good question.

I have never been an overly happy person. I was not born that way. I have always seen things differently than other people. Sometimes it is an advantage, as I was smart and creative by being able to look at everything from a different angle…however, overall the things I saw did not always seem happy. Life is sort of sad to me. I think if anyone stops to think too much, they would say the same thing.

However, during all those years away and somewhere in those hundreds of books I read I found a way to be basically satisfied with myself. I consider that the major achievement of my life.

In some ways that is a selfish statement….after all, I am saying that MY happiness is among my greatest achievements (even though I cannot sustain it). What about everyone else??? Why not, “The food I gave to the homeless” or “the child I adopted from poverty”??? I am not discounting those things in any way; however I do have a precedent for concern over my own happiness.

It was Jesus and Buddha and every one else who ever made such an impact on mankind that had a similar statement about themselves: “This is how I have become happy and at peace with myself….follow me if you want the same.” It is the greatest gift to have a peace with your life. If you do then there is a chance that you can give it to other people.

Otherwise it is just the misreable giving favors to the misreable. Not that there is no value in that….but certainly it is not the goal.

I have thought of writing a book called the Thirteenth Disciple. Why were there only twelve? The book would be about the thirteenth that wanted to follow Jesus and be one of his chosen followers, but because of some selfishness or defect or lack of committment or simply the want of the number 12…Jesus could not let him. The book would be about the hatred and envy of the thirteenth disciple and the guilt of Jesus for not being able to make him happy.

When people say they would like to be loved and accepted for who they are that is what they are saying: “Please…..I have found a way out of the forest….do not throw me back in alone. This is all I have.”

That is not a figurative statement. It is literal. When your circumstances cause you to reconsider whatever peace you have made with yourself and life……it is asking you to re-evaluate everything.

We are all at a crossroad.

I have laid low at work since coming back. (on a side note I checked the grammar on that and the correct usage is “I have lain low”….although that sounds a little pedantic to me).

I am at a low point for sure. 4 of my coworkers have left in the last few weeks (the 4 I liked the best), and our busy season at work is nearing an end so there isn’t much to do…which is boring. Also, there is no tennis right now to distract me and get me exercise, which I need to stay sane. Then there is just general life stuff which takes up the majority of my brain cycles, and never seems to get anywhere….which takes up more brain cycles getting frustrated with that.

I have been writing a whole lot in my personal journal, which is never a good sign. I haven’t written this much in years. I don’t find it nearly as cathartic as I used to. I used to get really excited when I had something to write….now it just makes my hand tired. Typing is much better.

I guess when I was younger I used to solve things when I thought. Now I just get frustrated over what I cannot control. Maybe I should start meditating?

My mom came down over the weekend. It was really nice to see her. She needed a break anyway. We went to go look at houses for me for a while on Saturday because I knew she liked that. (I am not nearly as excited about getting a house for me as she is.) She liked all the houses that cost too much money. I did too.

I’ve been playing the guitar alot lately too. That is an exercies substitute I think, since I also find that very soothing. I’ve been going to sleep earlier too…that usually helps, but I still have really dark circles under my eyes. I’m having a repeating dream these days too. Its really weird.

I am rambling aren’t I? Oh well….I think I’ll watch TV.

This picture turned out really nice. Its of the cloud forests at Monte Verde. It almost looks like stock photography…like the archetype jungle shot.

I was reading an article online today about happiness (my favorite subject). It asked whether you would be happier with a new car or a trip to Europe? I think most people would pick the new car because it lasts longer, but the study said the trip to Europe would actually be better for the precise reason that the car will stick around. You will become acclimated to it; it will get older; it will break etc. The trip to Europe doesn’t stick around and the brain can play great tricks with our memories. The memory of the trip will soften around the edges and even the parts you hated will make funny stories. The trip to Europe will make you happier than the car.

Anyway, here is the memory/picture:

My taxi comes in an hour and a half. It was a nice trip…much more like a regular vacation than I am used to, but nice nonetheless.

My Spanish is still fine. Our guide said she could get me a job if I wanted. They get paid to travel around Latin America (although they do have to tend a group as they do it). Of course, I declined. I

Its been hard to get to computer. I was in the jungle for three days. I killed a scorpion and tarantula in my room. David told me they weren’t deadly…only very painful. I ate well, and napped in the afternoon in a hammock with rain on the tin roof. His small lodge is literally in the middle of nowhere. You go to sleep early when there is no electricity.

Then we were rafting and camping for three days. I enjoyed that after the three days of hiking in the rain in the jungle….it gave my legs a rest and now my arms are sore.

It rains all the time in the rain forest. I never thought about it like that, but it is very true. My clothes smell like mildew and I’ve given up putting on dry ones. I just wear the same thing everyday.

The group I’m traveling with is interesting. Our guide once made 800 paper cranes in elementary school because she “liked it”. The guy from Canada has a degree in math and 10 IT consulting experience….then quit and now he is a cop. He talks about shooting things all the time. I asked him how many times he’s fired his gun in the line of duty: “Never…I did draw it one time though.” There is the guy from Norway who is a professional gambler. All he does is play poker on the Internet. He played for a while tonight and said he just paid for the vacation. The girl from California surfs all the time and just graduated in biopsychology. She uses words like “rad” and “gnarly”. I didn’t think anyone said that anymore.

I saw a friend of mine from B-school in San Jose. He is managing a hotel close to wear I was staying. I asked him for a job, because he said he was trying to buy another one.

Now I’m in Monte Verde. Its a big tourist destination….where you can see the cloud forests, and zip line through the canopy. There is no paved road to or from the city (which was oddly enough founded by the Quakers). I think that’s weird. All in all, Costa Rica is very developed and the prices are high…except its roads are crap.

I’m listening to the guy behind me who owns this internet cafe. He is from the US and hates George Bush. I think he’s implying that he left the US because of that. I’ll have to ask about that in a minute.

I’ve gotta go. I think I’m going to try to convince one of the laundry places to dry my clothes. Everything is soaked and its raining outside right now.

I spent most of the weekend at Barnes and Noble. I read most of a few books and drank alot of coffee. I bought a few books too. I always do.

They ask if I have/want a Barnes and Noble member card….I’d get a 10% discount if I did. I don’t know why I say no everytime. I know I spend enough money there. Something about those clubs….I never join. I’m of the Groucho Marx school: “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

I spent alot of time in self-reflection too. I feel it is important to self-examine, as long as it doesn’t become self-loathing or self-aggrandizement. I found some things I liked and some things I didn’t. I suppose that isn’t really news…since we’d all find that if we took the time to think.

I have a vacation coming up. I haven’t taken any days since last year really….so I have to use up two weeks before the end of the year. I like to take my vacation in chunks since I feel that allows me to “get away” better. Without getting away to take a look, you can never really be sure of what you’re doing. You can’t see the trees for the forest kind of thing.

Peter is in Nepal right now. I think that’s weird…since that was the trip we were supposed to take in 1998 before things went wrong in Taiwan. I think its a sort of tying up of loose ends with him….coming full circle. Its important to do things like that, symbolic stuff, to mark certain parts of your life.

On another note, the Annapurna Circuit is an amazing trek….one of the best in the world. In fact, I liked the idea of doing something physical so much that I decided to get exercise on my vacation too. I will be hiking, biking, rafting, etc in Costa Rica. I will also see a friend in San Jose that I went to business school with. He’s working at some hotel. I asked him if they needed a janitor that speaks passable Spanish and good English.

My tennis team won the division yesterday and we’re going to the playoffs. We have a great team this season and have a shot at winning the championship. I won’t be there and I’m sort of bummed.

The team told me I should cancel my vacation and get my priorities straight. In a way they have a point….I mean, I’ve lived in Atlanta for a few years and never had a good shot at winning the City. It is a chance that doesn’t come along very often. On the other hand, Costa Rica, as a spot on the planet, will surely continue to exist long after tennis is even still a sport.

This is a great article expressing concepts I sometimes talk about and wish I knew more about….where money comes from and how it gets its value.

CNN ran this story about the crazy gunman that killed the Amish school children. Half of the 75 people who attended his funeral were Amish. If someone killed your kids and then killed himself would YOU attend the funeral of the killer? Probably not.

Maybe I need to become Amish?? I’d be unemployed surely though, since my experience building large software platforms is probably pretty useless to the Amish.

I wonder how I would make out with the Amish? Without electricity I imagine they go to bed early. I like to sleep. Score one for the Amish.

Amish are farmers. I don’t like dirt, or manual labor all that much. I imagine horse and buggy would be cool…..if I were in Central Park on vacation. I don’t think I’d like it for my main source of transport. Maybe the Amish life isn’t for me?

The Amish are exempt from social security and medicare taxes. I don’t like taxes. Score another for the Amish. (They don’t draw Social Security or receive medicare either though.)

Ok…this one seals it. I’m in.

What are the Amish courting rituals?

For many of the Old Order Amish young people, pairing up begins at Sunday evening singings, The boy will take the girl home in his buggy. The couple is secretive about their friendship and courtship. Several days to two weeks before the wedding, the couple is published in church and their intentions to marry are made known. Weddings are held in November, or at the very latest in early December. That’s after the busy fall harvesting season is over. Weddings are on Tuesdays or Thursdays-the least busy days of the week on an Amish farm. The wedding is held at the home of the bride and the sermon and ceremony will last about four hours. Weddings usually begin at 8:30 a.m. There are no kisses, rings, photography, flowers or caterers. There are usually 200 or more guests. After the wedding there will be a delicious dinner of chicken, filling, mashed potatoes, gravy, ham, relishes, canned fruit, plus many kinds of cookies, cakes and pies.

That food sounds great. I can’t wait to become Amish. I’m hungry.

Since I can’t do tech work after I convert to Amishness, I think I’ve come up with a different profession that I would be well suited for. I will become the world’s first Amish Science Fiction Writer.

I will open a new and wonderful world for the Amish with my fantastical stories of “lightbulbs”, “radios”, and “vacuum cleaners”.

Can the Amish drink?