With a degree in Mircobiology and minor in Psychology, I’ve always been interested in the intersection of the two, in particular how our biology dictates and/or strongly affects most, if not all, of our psychology…even when we don’t realize it.

I ran across an article a while back about Neanderthals proposing that  recent archaeological evidence suggests female Neandertals may have hunted alongside the males, and that fact may have contributed to their extinction.  Two thoughts there:  1)  How equitable!  Males and females doing the hard work together.  Isn’t that sweet?  2)  If they are willing to draw the “may have contributed to their extinction” inference for Neanderthals….what if they flipped that logic around on us?

Here is the conclusion:  Women belong at home.

Don’t get me wrong.  I didn’t say, “I think women belong in the home.”  It certainly isn’t a personal value statement.  Women can do whatever they like and I support that.  I’m saying nature dictates that for species like ours with long gestation periods and unsafe environments….the species does better if women stay safe…which means they stay at home.

Here is why:  Let’s say there are two tribes…..each with 5 men and 5 women.  In tribe A the women and men hunt.  In tribe B the men only hunt. 

Tribe A:  4 people die hunting, two men and two women.  Now there are only 3 women left to have babies.  How many babies can the tribe have in a year?  Three…and that will be true until the female babies reach puberty.  Every woman that dies is a big deal for the tribe….it reduces the overall reproductive potential.

Tribe B:  4 people die hunting…..all men.  Now there is only one man left, but there are still 5 women left to have babies.  How many babies can the tribe have in a year?  Still 5.  The reproductive potential of the tribe has not changed. 

This thought experiment neatly shows that men’s lives are not nearly as valuable as women’s.  Men can die in flocks.  Everytime a woman dies, the reproductive potential of the tribe/species decreases.  In short, one man can have a hundred (or even a thousand) babies, while the reverse is not true.  From the perspective of the species, it pays to keep the women safe, which means they aren’t out hunting.  They belong at home….where its safe.  No sexism required.  (For those who object I point out again that this is not a personal value judgment…it simply IS.  The math doesn’t lie.  Those species who keep the fertile women safe long enough to have babies will succeed.  Those who don’t will be extinct.)

The point here is that often times we place blame on the environment (on men for example for trying to keep women down) when the fact is we just don’t understand the biology well enough to know that there are often other, better, more constructive explanations that do not require (in this case) men to be perpetuating the “women should stay at home” viewpoint.  Division of labor is an inborn tendency for good reason.

I’m not sure if Neanderthals died out because women hunted, but I do know if women hunted they must’ve been about as big as the males and skilled with weapons…..which debunks the myth of big hairy oaf clubbing the woman and taking her back to the cave.  She would’ve clubbed him back.

Advantages:

• It is better than coming home to a rental. There is a sense of increased comfort when everything is yours and you know that if you don’t like the way the kitchen is…you can tear it out and make it how you like. (Not that I’m likely to do that, but the thought is comfortable.)
• Women LOVE houses. It is almost orgasmic for them to talk about a home, to talk about “fixing it up”, to add to it, even just to look at a home. When you own a home, you are instantly more attractive. Unlike the argument with penis size….bigger is definitely better when it comes to house size. I think there is some kind of nesting gene in women that make them coo over houses.
• Also, since I rented a piece of someone’s house previously, as a homeowner I now know I won’t disturb anyone if I want to perform ancient rituals, practice witchcraft, walk around dressed up as a zebra, or anything else that might strike my fancy. The freedom is nice…but as they say: Freedom is not free.

Disadvantages:

• It ain’t free. Spending money is a huge stressor. It doesn’t even matter if you can afford it. The act of spending money itself, when you know you work so hard for it, is stressful. I think this is a man thing as women seem much better about spending money when they know they can afford it…since many are even able to spend stress free when they can’t afford it.
• It is a time vacuum. It is never “fixed”. A home is always under improvement. There is always something else you can do, until you’ve done it all…at which point what you originally did is out of fashion and so you must upgrade again, but unlike this season’s new clothing…home improvements are expensive.
• It requires a new set of skills. I am not a plumber, electrician, carpenter, engineer, brick-layer, etc. Whoever said there are no more blue-collar jobs…think again. I know we’ll never outsource these jobs to India. Also, I can do some of my own work…which I’ve done. Replacing my toilet I thought: “I save alot of money doing it myself…but is it worth it if I leave on vacation, the seal breaks, and floods the second floor?”.
• The asset itself is a stressor. Like a stock, its value can fluctuate…and as your biggest asset, it is stressful to think about losing it. What if I lost my job? What if my home were swept away in a flood (floods aren’t covered by homeowner’s insurance)? What if my policy is crap or I don’t have the right things covered? What if the entire housing market tanks (which we might see)? What if alien’s attack (is that covered)?
• It will not make you any happier (not many things do). When you add up the items I’ve outlined above (and the ones I can’t think of right now), I bet I’m LESS happy with a home. You quickly acclimate to the fact that its your own place and you can walk around naked it you want. The freedom and comfort is nice…but again, does it outweigh the added stress? On the flip side, I will also acclimate to the stress eventually, and it will seem like its not even there. At least at that point I’ll have a house out of the deal. I remember when I first got out of graduate school all my student loan debt really got to me…to think about owing that much money when I didn’t even have a job. Now I don’t care. That debt will be with me until I’m retired.
• A home is a warehouse. It stores inventory and YOU stock it. Just like a business, sitting inventory eats into your bottom line. It will nickel and dime you to death when you originally stock up on home wares: Dishes, vacuum cleaners, sets of linens, sets of trash cans, lamps, tools, towel racks, night stands, etc, etc. People say to me about this observation: “Yeah, but you do it once and then you always have it.” My thought, “So what? You can say the same thing about herpes.”

Maybe next time I’ll write about “eating out versus buying groceries”. It is a myth that it is cheaper to eat at home. I can demonstrate it mathematically.

My heart rate increases even before I call customer service….in anticipation of stupidity.

Customer service excels at impossible loops, deflecting accountability, repeating themselves, giving unrelevant/inaccurate information, telling the customer they should’ve behaved differently, and suggesting the “put the finger in the damn” solution.

I avoid calling if at all possible, doing all kinds of homework to try to solve it myself.  When I do call its usually something relevant, and not cleared up by their usual suggestion, “Is it plugged in?” or “Did you press the ON button?”.

Also, can they quit authenticating me? The phone system asks me to enter my account number…..then the rep asks my SSN, mother’s maiden name, and name of my favorite teacher in elementary school…..and they ask for my account number over again even though I just entered it. Then, after I tell them all that, I tell them I’ve forgotten my PIN #……nope, they can’t give me that. You just verified me didn’t you? Doesn’t matter. “You can change your PIN online,” they tell me. But I need my PIN to get online. I tell them that, and they agree and say they can mail me my PIN. “By email?” I ask. Nope…by mail.  CS rep:  “Also, can you please verify your email?”  Me:  “I’ll verify my email if you’ll verify my PIN.”

There was the time I wanted frequent flyer miles from United for my trip to India. They told me I needed proof of flight and to complete a form with the receipt and mail it in for review to add the miles. I said, “YOU are United airlines. Why do I need to prove I flew on YOUR airline. Wouldn’t you already know that?” I had to call another dept with United, pay them $45 dollars to send a proof of flight, and then send the proof back to United to get the frequent flyer miles. My stress levels shoot through the roof.

Exhibit A:

I enrolled in automatic draft with Georgia Power, because I don’t like to have to remember to pay my bill each month. I was unsure though that the outstanding charge I already had for activation would be covered by that, so I called to ask if I had to pay that one differently.

CS: “Yes…that won’t be covered. Your automatic draft will start next month.”
Me: “Ok…so can I pay the outstanding charge online separately from automatic draft?”
CS: “No, if you are enrolled in automatic draft; you cannot pay online.”
Me (confused): “Huh? If I enroll in an automatic online draft function to pay my bill, I can no longer pay online? Its like an oxymoron.”
CS: “I can unenroll you in automatic draft. Do you want me to do that?”
Me: “So I can then pay online, so I can then go back and re-enroll in automatic draft?”
CS: “Yes.”
Me: “That doesn’t make sense…but ok. I guess that will work”.
CS; “You are now unenrolled. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Me (I keep them on the phone till I’m completely done since there is always some hitch): “Let me just process this while we’re sitting here and then I’ll be done.” I went through some links and payed my activation fee online.
Me: “Thanks…that worked.”(hang up) Then I go back to the automatic draft section to re-enroll. I get this message:

I can’t re-enroll. It won’t let me. So I call back CS.

CS (after I explained what happened): Just write over the XXXs with your account number.
Me (like I wouldn’t have thought of that): It won’t let me. The field is un-editable.
CS: It won’t let you re-enroll because your payment hasn’t cleared.
Me: You mean the system message from GA power for “Please wait till your previous payment clears to re-enroll” is “Account numbers must be numeric”? That doesn’t make a lot of sense. Can you just re-enroll me?
CS: No.
Me: Huh? The previous rep un-enrolled me. Why can’t you re-enroll me?
CS: You have to do that online.
Me: I just explained to you that I can’t do it online. That’s why I called you in the first place.
CS: Wait a few days and go back online and do it.
Me: Ok…what if I do that and it still doesn’t work?
CS: Call back customer service.
Me: Why so they can tell me to go back online?

I have several other great examples that are popping into my head but I’m tired of writing so I’ll paste in this last conversation with Charter. This one is great because it isn’t a reconstructed conversation….its the actual conversation, lest you fools think I’m just making this stuff up.

Exhibit B:

Websites have these “Chat with a Customer Service Representative” buttons now…so I did.

A representative will be with you shortly.
You have been connected to Carlos .
kellio kellio: can you connect me to the video chat support group?
Carlos : My name is Carlos. Thank you for contacting Charter Communications. How may I assist you?
kellio kellio: can you connect me to the video chat support group?
Carlos : Sure thing, one moment.
Carlos has left the session.
Please wait while we find an agent from the Video Support CHAT department to assist you.
You have been connected to Jomar .
Jomar : Thank you for contacting Charter High Speed Internet Technical Support. My name is Jomar. How may I assist you today?
kellio kellio: i get getting routed to the internet chat, but I want to reach video chat support group…this is the third time its happened.
Jomar : May I know your concern please?
kellio kellio: I have a new install on an HDTV tomorrow. What do I need to have on my end to make sure everything runs smootly? (For instance, for the internet installation, I already own the cable modem and will have that for them when they arrive.)
kellio kellio: its not an internet question
Jomar : Okay, I will transfer you.
Jomar has left the session.
Please wait while we find an agent from the Video Support CHAT department to assist you.
All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.
You have been connected to Dave .
Dave : Thank you for contacting Charter Communications Video Department. My name is Dave. How may I assist you today?
kellio kellio: I have a new install on an HDTV tomorrow. What do I need to have on my end to make sure everything runs smootly? (For instance, for the internet installation, I already own the cable modem and will have that for them when they arrive.)
Dave : You need to have the hd box.
kellio kellio: you guys are supposed to provide that
kellio kellio: i currently have an HDTV…nothing else.
Dave : Yes. That is correct. That is part of the order.
kellio kellio: what about cables?
Dave : No need since the upgrade is for the HDservice only.
kellio kellio: this is a new install
Dave : Yes. Our technician will provide everything during the installation.
kellio kellio: HDMI cable?
Dave : By the way, do you have a cable service with Charter?
kellio kellio: no…this is a new install
kellio kellio: of cable
Dave : I see.
Dave : With regards to your concern, please call us at 1-888-438-2427 for further assistance.
kellio kellio: huh? you can’t answer my question?
Dave : Are you referring to a new installation of cable service?
kellio kellio: yes
kellio kellio: i think i mentioned that.
Dave : Okay. With regards to new service installation, please call us at 1-888-438-2427.
kellio kellio: so this isn’t the right chat room?
Dave : Yes, definitely.
kellio kellio: can you not answer that: do I need to provide anything additional at install (like HDMI cables)?
Dave : No. As I have mentioned earlier, we provide that during the installation.
kellio kellio: ok, thanks!!
Dave : You’re welcome.
Your session has ended. You may now close this window.
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My installation happened yesterday. The installation rep informed me that I DID need my own HDMI cable. They didn’t provide one.
Install rep: “Didn’t Customer Service tell you that?”
Me (smiling): “Uhh….no.”