I will be off to India in about a week. How bizarre to think. How is it that I come back to Atlanta to find myself a regular life….stay for a year, and then find a way to repeat old habits?

I tell myself that going to India is actually a career move, not a personal one…..and I still believe that even as I write it….but something in the back of my head tells me that my conscious mind may be lying to me. My subconscious is aching for a travel fix…like a drug addict, and is feeding my conscious head a load of bullshit to get it to say what it wants. Who knows?? Either way, it seems like I’m going, so quit analyzing it.

Speaking of career, I met with a C-level executive from my company today. He is the global big-wig for our talent and organizational development consulting arm. Their aim is to “make work better”. I would like to do that….in fact that is why I went to work for my company (which I won’t name).

People always say that they want to do something meaningful with their careers, to “make a difference”. I think that is mostly just wishful thinking, as changing things/people is exceedingly difficult to do. In fact, it is a fool’s errand and sets you up for failure.

You can’t save the world. You can only save individual people, and even that potentially takes years. After all, am I so presumptuous as to think that I would even know how to save the world if I took a notion?

And that is how you know you’re on the right track. If you know that you are on a fool’s errand and yet you are willing to do it anyway….then there is no way for you to fail. That is why I think some high and mighty goal like “saving the world” or “making work better” or “inspiring people” is really a good, yet unattainable, mission.

I call those the “willing to go down with the ship” ideas. It is foolish to go down with the ship, but people do it willingly, and can never fail. If they succeed, even mildly, then they have gone beyond themselves. If they fail, which is likely, then at least they went down with the right ship….the one they always knew would go down anyway. If you are “willing to go down with the ship” of your life, then you are on the right track.

At least that is the theory….I wouldn’t suppose you should listen to me though…after all, I just told you that my ship is bound to sink.

So me and this C-level exec hit it off well. He told me the next time I’m interested in a position, to stay in touch with him. I’m guessing his opinion holds some weight. I’m not really impressed with titles….except when it is to my benefit.

Next topic…I’m sorry I haven’t written anything lately. I’ve actually been writing alot…to someone I met online. I have really gotten in over my head on this one…..except that I have a habit of leaving the country just when things are getting interesting….this time is no exception.

I don’t often write about girls. The reason for that is two fold, one reason far outweighing the other one.

1) Least importantly: I think it is private mostly. I am willing to air some fairly private stuff. The thing with girls though is that they have feelings, and when I write on the website it is for me mostly and my small audience….they just want it to be all mushy and sweet….not honest.

So I just don’t say anything at all. I have to explain my behavior too much anyway. No need to add to the misery. I put my foot in my mouth enough as it is; I shouldn’t document it in writing for posterity.

2) This is the real reason I never write about girls: I don’t have anything to say. I have spoken often about my constant mild apathy and disaffection. I am so underwhelmed most of the time that I simply have no comment (which is likely a fault of mine, not theirs).

So….I will just say that this girl has been commanding a lot of my attention lately. I’ve said some really crazy things about her to myself….and oddly enough I’ve said exactly the same things to her. Why can’t I just keep that stuff to myself?

No one wants to know the real me. They just want the me that serves their ends (not that I blame them, the real me gets on my nerves too).

I’ve even learned/confirmed a few things about myself lately, which I am pleased with:

1) I do like certain girls.
2) I am pretty nice to people when I like them.
3) I am really good at reading people’s minds.

2 Responses to “The real me…”
  1. r2d2 says:

    1) you’re in love with making lists
    2) you’re even more in love with yourself
    3) you’re a narcistic bore

  2. Kat says:

    hey, shawna updated me on your awesome life. congrats man.

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