Tonight I am drinking a wonderful beer called Hollande….”a lager beer with a 400 year old tradition. Dutch history records our brewery as early as 1620, in the fuedal province of Utrecht.”

I’ve actually been to Utrecht. It is the railroad gateway to the North of Holland. I don’t remember much about the city itself.

So what’s going on with me?

First of all: Happy Bday Gemma. I miss you!!

Next: Josh Salley had a baby girl. I think that rocks…that he had a baby girl…not that I would know what to do with one. I talked to him on the phone today and gave a good deal of thought to fatherhood.

I think my whole generation, actually probably every generation, suffers from a fear of repeating the same mistakes our fathers did.

Anyway, I am sort of surprised that Josh grew up before me. I think he will make a good dad if his wife doesn’t drive him to the bottle. What would I do with a daughter?? Tell her to go ask her mother probably.

So congrats dude. Remember when we made that video in my room for church that was supposed to be like Saturday Night Live but was just us laughing at each other about nothing for twenty mintues?? No one thought it was funny but us.

Times haven’t changed much have they? I’m still the only one that thinks you’re funny.

Next: I leave for India in 20 days. People keep asking me if I am excited. No…not really, although the concept of India for the rest of the year strikes me as better than the alternative.

I’m flying out on the 26th, which is a Wednesday. I arrive in the middle of the night on the 28th…a Friday. I hope they have some good movies on the plane. Saturday and Sunday I’m going to Agra to see the Taj Mahal I think.

That sort of excites me. I admit it. I love ancient man-made wonders….the Pyramids…The Blue Mosque…the Coliseum…Petra…Angkor Wat…the Parthenon…Hagia Sophia…Machu Picchu…the Dome of the Rock.

Maybe I should add pictures if I can dig them up? I guess there is still Lhasa, Easter Island, and The Great Wall if I’m looking for something else.

I’m sure I’ll see The Great Wall one day. Actually, maybe not. I don’t think I could bear to go there on a 7 day vacation. That violates my whole idea of travel. I’m getting too old for traipsing around the world. Its a young man’s game.

Next: I had the funniest “conversation” today with one of my friends. Girls don’t generally make me laugh…actually I made myself laugh, and she played along. That is close enough though. I’ll take it.

So she was saying how men are so simple…that their egos are so easy to burnish (great word by the way).

So I said:

Ha. Ha. Not funny. As if a woman’s ego is any harder to stroke?

“No honey, I don’t think you’re getting fat.”

“No baby, I think you’re smart. Most people don’t know the difference between the water gauge and the oil gauge. It’s an honest mistake.”

“You look really pretty today. Have you done something with your hair?”

“Not at all baby. I’ve always thought they make those on/off switches too confusing. It could’ve been broken….really.”

“I am sorry that crazy bitch you work with is out to get you. Let’s go shopping and buy you a pretty new dress.”

“No way darling. That girl is way too skinny and no guys like fake boobs. That isn’t sexy at all. You’re the most beautiful girl here.”

“No, really. You’re not at all psycho like that other girl I used to date. It was my fault anyway. I should’ve known you were in a bad mood. I was being insensitive. Will you forgive me?”

“Sweetie, have I told you lately how happy I am with you? Can you go fix me a sandwich?”

And then she said she wasn’t girly, that she doesn’t do those things. I agreed for the most part and said:

To you I would say something more direct and caring
like, “Sweetie, the fucking thing wasn’t plugged in. Of course it didn’t work. Can you go make me a sandwich??”

Then she said:

I would laugh and say, “sweetie, could you plug it in since your arms are longer and i’m so afraid of electrical devices. i would make you a sandwich but i don’t cook.”

She can at least go get me a beer though, right?

Then I asked her to make fun of guys, since I think making fun of me is far funnier than making fun other people.

She said:

“Size doesn’t matter, especially when you are drunk. It feels great, really, that’s just right. Perfect. Ahhhh.”

“I really do like football….such a smart sport.”

“We don’t need to stop for directions, I’m sure we will get there sometime.”

I’ll give her credit. I did laugh at those….especially the first one. In fact I’m laughing now as I read it again.

Would anyone like to add anymore…guys or girls? Please weigh in. I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks.

6 Responses to “20 days…”
  1. Swirl says:

    Why is a man at his smartest when he’s having sex?

    Because he’s plugged into a know-it all!!!!


  2. cs1 says:

    Why are women so bad at mathematics?

    Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches

  3. Josh says:

    I wish we still had that video! I don’t care what anybody says, that shit was funny!!! It was like Wayne’s World meets Beavis and Butthead meets the Rock Star Realtor! Top 10 Greatest things in the history of the world!

    Side note, make sure you watch that INXS reality show. Its like Karaoke on steroids! It fookin rocks!!

    My most frequent comments to girls went like, “If you wanted the last piece of cake why didn’t you take it when I asked you if you wanted it?” and “So let me get this straight, you told me to go but expected me to stay?” and “Come over.”

    And then followed with “Remember when I said to come over to my place? Well, I didn’t mean for the whole night. More like as long as it took for me to sober up and get a good look at you and realize that I need to get you the F#$% out of my room before one of my friend’s sees you. Thanks for understanding my situation and also the blowjob. Sorry I couldn’t return the favor or remember your name, but you repulse me. Call you next week!”

  4. Elliott says:


    You’ve outdone yourself. That last one is off the charts funny.

  5. Josh says:

    “Of course what you’re saying is important to me, honey. All I was saying is that it would be even more important if you waited until a commercial to tell me.”
    “I know its never a commercial because I turn the station so often. I thought that was like a cute little cat and mouse game we played. You try to talk to me and I try anything and everything to keep you from speaking…cute huh?”

  6. Swirl says:


    Look forward to seeing you tomorrow night. Maybe Sally can break away from baby duty and have a beer with us???

    Check this stuff out.

    This guy Chris Sharma is leading the charge in 5.15 climbing. Hortizontal style of climbing suppose to be the most physically demanding. Looks like something our dumbasses would try.

    Later Swirl

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