My Old Blog

Aug 27 2003

The Perfect Employee

I have read zillions of job posts over the past year. Some of them are Ok. Most of them are so puffed up with buzz-words and catch phrases I don’t even understand what they’re saying.

Its like there is some secret inventory of cryptic business jargon that spits out these job descriptions. The HR folks just cut and paste a meaningless garble of bullet point sentence fragments obviously looking for employees that can tell them what they hell they just meant to say.

Here is a nice average example of what employers want:

We are looking for a friendly and energetic self-starter, who takes pride in providing excellent customer service and a job well done. This approachable, responsive and intelligent person should be comfortable working independently as well as with the team. The ideal candidate will be a detail-oriented, creative, bloodsucker robot with the ability to multitask under deadline and have 3 – 5 years relevant professional experience driving bottom-line growth.

Must be proficient in Word and Excel and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Who are these fucking people? Because I’ve never met them.

But when I do I am sure they will be “implementing” something and way too busy to talk to me. They will have deep and immodulated voices, maintain an unnatural amount of eye contact and repeat my name several times for no reason in our short “results oriented” conversation.

It would be funny if it weren’t so true…..

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 27th, 2003 at 11:07 pm and is filed under Thoughts on Work. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.