Today I am taking my first hours off in over two weeks. I sit here writing as a free man.
Camp life is very fulfilling. I have all the makings of a truly satisfying life. There are good people, meaningful work, a supportive environment, constant positive feedback, music, exercise, spirituality and even a little romance.
Many people will live their whole lives and not experience something quite so perfect. I tried to make a conscious decision to stay away from this type of stuff for a while. This is the reason I have so much trouble wanting to find a “real job”. I have repeated a loop like this one probably a dozen times in my life, never finding a way to sustain it, but only to whet my appetite for more.
True change stems from despair, dissatisfaction, boredom, or some other similar emotion. True change does not come from having all the makings of a truly satisfying life. There needs to be some kind of bottoming out or moment of reckoning.
And yet I can find no fault in the decisions I have made. It has been a life full of once in a lifetime experiences.
I am mentally committed to change, to at least try to live a relatively normal life for a while. That is semi-positive motion I guess.
But it is strange. It is like I am breaking up with a girlfriend with whom I’ve had no falling out.
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