Woe is me.
There was a time I had a strict policy of closedness. This was to avoid being judged for what I believe or fail to believe. I changed this policy because I found it rather alienated me from people and I find a certain comfort in sharing myself with people.
I began the policy in the first place because I have always been different and people don’t understand that. They use what I say to put me in intellectual cubbyholes that were designed to classify people that think in normal ways. That isn’t me. If you take filters made to work for the majority and use them on those that fall outside the norm you will consistently make mistakes in judgment.
I got tired of being misunderstood so I kept my mouth shut about what I believe. I just let people judge me on my actions.
This worked extremely well but people complained that I never told anyone my thoughts and I naturally want to share myself with people. So it was a good policy in practice, but not very fulfilling personally.
Of course I always shared with my best friends, but I came to share almost nothing with good friends and acquaintances. It just wasn’t worth it. I was, and still am to a large extent, one of the most self-policed people I know. I have to be.
I also dislike having to clarify myself. It always digresses into semantics and arrives at something even more muddled than you began with.
Then there is this website. I often write private stuff or at least hint at the things that trouble me most. It has worked out well because only my closest friends read it and the others are mostly so far away that their judgments are tempered by the separation.
Then there is camp. It appears that some folks are reading my website. This puts them a little too close to the fire.
Additionally…and I know I’m gonna get flamed for this one, we are at a Christian camp. I truly love the community here, but any group of very like-minded individuals tends to get judgmental. They get doubly judgmental because they are religious. It becomes frighteningly easy to judge right and wrong when God is backing your moral code.
So far I think only two people have found the website and they are very good folk. However, as a preemptive move, I will have to starting pre-screening my comments on the religious aspect of camp. I won’t say anything untrue…it just won’t be as true as it could be.
I hate to do it, but I can’t risk one of these extremely nice people here at camp misjudging me because of comments meant for people that know me better.
Besides, many of them look up to me anyway and I take the responsibility of being a role model very seriously. Just don’t ask me to explain my motivations.
Entries (RSS)