Like many things in my life, I almost completed my entry on the Destruction of Mankind, but figured it was too depressing. I’ll save you the agony of reading it.
I’ve said just about everything that can be said about where I am these days. There are no real events that make up my life right now and I am neither happy nor unhappy about it.
As everyone that knows me knows, I have a slight problem with cynicism and bitterness. I have no particular reason to feel this way. My life has been no more or less fortunate than others that may or may not have the same problem. One could easily have lived my life and turned out a bleeding heart optimist (I think).
I make no huge point of the issue anymore as it has become something I know I will always deal with in some form. That does not mean I like it, nor that I don’t try to do something about it at times. But as I have gotten older I realize there are things we change and things that have become who we are.
I would say classifying my misanthropy as a permanent personality trait is dangerous for my head. And it is a dangerous. But I am pretty sure about it anyway. No matter what I’ve done since around 1998, nothing has subtracted from it. I have escaped it several times (while travelling, in Salamanca and at Camp Rockmont). But I have never made significant strides towards overcoming it. Curiously enough, my ability to deal with it has increased at just about the same rate as the cynicism itself. Which is to say, I shovel the shit away about as fast as it piles up.
I had a conversation with Josh last week about hypocrisy. He hates it and I think hypocrisy has its uses. If I were better able to believe one thing and live another way, then I would have erased my bitterness. Of course hypocrisy can breed self hatred too, just in a different way. Life can be hard though. If it takes hypocrisy to get you through the day….you gotta do what you gotta do. I would argue it mostly hurts more than helps, but that is just something else for those people to tune out.
In my head there is a gap between what I know is possible and the reality of life. That gap has made me bitter. If I am wrong and there is no gap, then I hate myself for being different and unable to make a reconciliation. If I am right then the world is full of people half-assing their one opportunity to exist. Either hate myself or hate the world….or bridge the gap, which I mostly fail to do.
Many folks live with this same contradiction. I am certainly not alone in the idea. We all share it to some extent. The difference is that it gets to me while others are unaffected. They live well with the contradiction. I do not. And that is the fourth option: know there is a gap and that there will always be one, but live with it. Well…I do live with it, just not always so well.
This doesn’t mean I give up. I know how to make the reconciliation. You make it with forgiveness, compassion and a whole lot of faith. Religion arose from this basic contradiction. It is us trying to bridge the gap between what is real and what we would like to be real.
The problem is the same as the one with my cynicism. I do not know why I feel like this….nor do I know why I lack the faith overcome it. Another person living my same life could have tons of faith and no misanthropy. I don’t understand it. It just is. It could pass just as inexplicably as it came.
There are other ways to get over these kind of problems too, less magical than faith. I continue to explore those and hope to one day hit the jackpot. For one, I’ve always been big on place. Where you are is third in importance only to who you are and who you are with. Additionally, Places often bring with them a certain type of people, which makes it doubly important.
Following this line of reasoning, I might try moving away from the South. I’ve always said I love the South….and I do. But I’ve actually been happier while I was away. I’m not saying its the right decision, but it might be.
None of this solves my problem of unemployment, but I’m sick and fucking tired of thinking about that. I’m not even gonna comment other than to say I understand it as well as I’ve ever understood anything. Which has become another source of disaffection over the years: To discover yourself is to realize that you must still survive the day…no matter how “enlightened” you may become.
Socrates claimed that an unexamined life was not worth living. He became so enlightened his government sentenced to death. Oedipus went on a quest for knowledge too…and gouged his own eyes out when he finally learned the truth.
They say if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. I say if you can’t beat ’em, run. Therefore, I am officially taking a break from the frustration of job hunting. I am going back to Camp Rockmont for the summer. It is filled with incredibly nice people. There is tons of fun stuff to do and no need for money. Best of all, I get the chance to change a kid’s life for the better every single day. It is the closest thing to Utopia I’ve ever found.
After that we’ll see what happens.
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