My Old Blog

I really don’t enjoy starting any conversation with “No one can understand….” but really, unless you’ve lived here you can’t possibly imagine the inefficiency, the madness, the illogic of India.

If in America our motto is “In God We Trust” or “For Money We Slave Away”, in India it is certainly “Let’s make this as complicated as possible and have 8 people do the job of 1 to the point that nothing will every happen,” or “If there is a pothole in the road, don’t fix it, drive around it until that becomes a pothole too, then hire someone to stand in the road and direct the traffic jam that resulted from not fixing the pothole in the first place.”

Ohh India….how I love thee.

Here is India’s archetype conversation. Put this on repeat everyday and you will begin to glimpse what it is like to live here.

Me: What time is it?
India: Thank you, Mr. Dykes. I hope you are enjoying your time here sir.
Me: Uhh….its fine, thank you. What time is it?
India: Yes sir, sir. (nodding head profusely in deference)
Me: No, really. What time is it?
India (digging in its disorganize mess of papers): Here is you calendar. Thank you Mr. Dykes. Is there anything else we can assist you with Mr. Dykes?
Me: hehehehehehehehehe. No seriously, what time is it?
India: Let me check with my colleague. He will be in shortly with your answer. Please have a seat sir and we will be right with you right away.
Me: I have to go to work. I’ll be back in the evening though. Please just send a note with my answer up to the room so I can have it when I get back.
India: Yes sir. We will get that for you right away. (smiling as if they had just handed me the keys to a new car).
Me (later that evening): Ahh…what a day. Do you have an answer for me?
India: Of course, sir. My colleague informed me of your query.
Me: So the information is up in my room?
India: Here is your calendar sir. Is there anything else we can assist you with Mr. Dykes??
Me: You can tell me what time it is like I asked in the first place.
India (shuffling through its desk for a mess of notes): Yes sir. We have that information for you and will send it up as soon as my colleague gets in tomorrow.
Me: But you said that yesterday. I keep asking the same question. Why can’t you just tell me what time it is? What is so hard about that? Why do you keep giving me everything I DON’T want and nothing I DO?
India (always smiling): I am very sorry Mr. Dykes for the misunderstanding….
Me (interrupting India): And why didn’t you send a note up to my room like you said you would??
India: The note is in your suite Mr. Dykes (holding up an indecipherable mess of Hindi).
Me: Let me check (I walk up to my room and find there is a note waiting for me. It says “Guest Services would like to see you about the information you requested. Please see Guest Relations at your earliest convenience.” )
Me (back downstairs with steam coming out my ears): What time is it?
India (eager as ever): Did you get your note Mr. Dykes? I hope you found it to you convenience sir, please, thank you.
Me: WHAT FUCKING TIME IS IT? I AM GOING TO REACH MY ARM DOWN YOUR THROAT AND RIP YOUR HEART OUT IF YOU DON’T HELP ME!!! W-H-A-T T-I-M-E I-S I-T?
India: Yes sir, sir. I have the clock you requested right away and we will send it up to your room.
Me: Arghhh…..this is worse than Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football.
India (blank stare and sideways head nod): I am not sure I understand sir. Would you like a Charlie Brown DVD? The concierge can arrange that for you immediately for tomorrow.
Me: TIME…..WHAT TIME. PLEASE. I’M LOSING MY MIND. I’m going to the bar to get a drink. When I get back, please have an answer to my question.
India: Yes sir Mr. Dykes. Thank you and we will have that for you right away Mr. Dykes.
Me (after a few beers): Ok…what do you have for me? A watch, a clock, a calendar, TV Guide, a fucking solar dial and a little Indian guy to follow me around holding up a flashlight? What?
India (beaming like the dawn): I was able to speak to my colleague and she said it was 10:45am on 9/26.
Me (on the verge of insanity): Yes. That is right. When I originally asked, it was 10:45am. That was yesterday. What time is it NOW?
India: Yes sir. We will get that for you right away Mr. Dykes. Please have a seat.
Me (huddled in the corner in a fetal position): I give up. I’m just going to sit here for a while and collect my thoughts while I am still sane enough to have some.

India: Yes sir, Mr. Dykes. Would you like anything while you are waiting??

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 29th, 2005 at 3:01 am and is filed under India. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.